#and she's stlil dead!! and i still miss her!!! and keep thinking about ways i could have saved her!!!!
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#is it weird that this feels worse than 'just'#grieving my dead friend#the set of things i'm feeling are so confusing and complicated rn#maybe it's just the sick brain but#i feel like i'm being washed with bleach on a high spin cycle#there's so much going on and it all feels like too much and -#and i feel viscerally like i'm failing the people i care about#i don't endorse a lot of what i'm feeling and that makes it worse bc#like what#am i going to dump it on the people who care about me when i don't even believe this shit?#i don't even feel okay posting this in my crying channel rn for reasons unknown to me so it's just#going to be here now.#sorry!!!!#tomorrow can be brighter than today!#today was. bad. so it's easier to believe that than usual actually#it all hurts and#and she's stlil dead!! and i still miss her!!! and keep thinking about ways i could have saved her!!!!#yep even in this post that starts “this isn't about my dead friend”#i'm coming in at the end with dead friend posting#i wish things were different ;-;#delete later maybe
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